The conversation with your parents

This article is for adult children of older Dutch parents. How to open the talk without scaring them. When the conversation tends to actually happen. What older Dutch parents typically do not want to discuss, and what they often do, once someone asks.

Why this conversation is harder than the other ones

Most Dutch resources on talking about the end of life, from Rijksoverheid's praat op tijd (talk in time) campaign to the KNMG handreiking Tijdig praten over het levenseinde, are written from the perspective of the person whose life is being discussed. The conversation about your own wishes, with your partner or your children. This conversation is the inverse: you are asking someone older than you, who is not ill, who has not asked for this conversation, and who has a generational pattern of not discussing it.

A few things make it specifically hard:

The role reversal. A child asking a parent about money, medical decisions, or end-of-life wishes inverts the family hierarchy. For many Dutch parents born before 1955, this is uncomfortable in itself, regardless of the topic.

The fear of being managed. Older parents often hear "I want to talk about your wishes" as "I am beginning to take over your decisions." Geriatric care guidance, including the NHG (Nederlands Huisartsen Genootschap) and Verenso (the Dutch professional association for elderly-care physicians) guidelines on advance care planning with older patients, repeatedly notes that autonomy and the perception of autonomy are central. A conversation that feels like a takeover will be refused, often firmly.

The cultural register. MantelzorgNL and Pharos (the Dutch knowledge centre on cultural sensitivity in health care) both emphasise that the way this conversation goes is heavily shaped by family background. A direct, list-the-questions approach works well in some Dutch families and badly in others. In families with non-Dutch backgrounds, including Surinamese, Moroccan, Turkish, Indonesian and other communities living in the Netherlands, Pharos guidance suggests the conversation usually proceeds through indirection, family elders, and shared events rather than through structured questionnaires.

Your own anxiety. This is the part most often skipped. The reason you are asking now is that something has shifted, in your perception or in their situation. Naming that to yourself before the conversation, separately from naming it to them, makes the conversation steadier.

Triggers: the moments the conversation actually happens

Conversations of this kind almost never start cold. They start in response to something. The pattern, across MantelzorgNL guidance for adult-child caregivers and across geriatric-care literature, is consistent: the conversation tends to follow a trigger, often within a few weeks of it. Recognising the triggers makes them usable.

A hospital stay. A parent has been admitted, even briefly, even for something minor. They are home now, recovering. The week after discharge is one of the most opening windows for the conversation. The recent experience makes the abstract concrete, and the parent has often been thinking about it themselves.

A friend's funeral. A peer has died. The parent has been to the funeral. They have observed, often with quiet attention, what worked and what did not. A question framed around the funeral they just attended ("Did you think the way they did it was right? What would you have wanted differently?") is often easier to answer than a direct question about their own wishes.

A news article or a public case. A widely covered euthanasia case, a change in inheritance tax, a public discussion about palliative care. These give a neutral subject to enter through. "Did you read about X? What did you think?" The conversation that follows is technically about the article, and often actually about the parent.

A change in the parent's own situation. A diagnosis, even a manageable one. Selling a house. Retirement. A grandchild born. A milestone birthday. Each opens a window, briefly, in which the question "have you thought about what you'd want, if?" lands differently than it would two months later.

Your own life event. Becoming a parent yourself, drafting your own will, filling in your own wensenboekje (wishes booklet). Your work on your own preparation can become the entry. "I just did mine. Some of the questions made me realise I don't know yours."

Concrete openings

The opening sentence is the part most people get stuck on. A few that work, drawn from Dutch palliative communication training and from MantelzorgNL guidance for mantelzorgers (informal caregivers):

• "I have been doing my own paperwork. I realised I do not know yours. I do not need to know everything, but I would like to know enough that, if something happened, we are not guessing."
• "I went to a friend's parent's funeral last month. It made me think about you. Can we talk about what you would want, while there is no pressure?"
• "I am asking because I do not want to have to make decisions for you that you would not have wanted. The easiest way to avoid that is for you to tell me what you do want."
• "I am not asking about money. I am asking about what would matter to you if you were in hospital and could not say."

A few openings to avoid:

• Anything that begins with "I'm worried about you." This tends to be heard as "I think you are declining."
• Lists of legal documents at the start. Testament, levenstestament, wilsverklaring. The legal vocabulary closes the conversation before it opens. The legal documents are downstream of the values; ask about the values first.
• Inviting a sibling to surprise the parent with the conversation. This usually feels like an ambush, and it sets the tone for every subsequent attempt.

The first conversation does not need to cover anything specific. Its only job is to establish that the topic exists between you, and that the parent is allowed to refuse, defer, or come back to it.

What older Dutch parents typically do not want to discuss (at first)

A pattern recurs across Dutch geriatric care literature and across the practical experience of mantelzorgers. There is a rough hierarchy of topics, from easier to harder, and trying to start at the wrong end usually shuts the conversation down.

Often easier first.

• The funeral itself: where, what kind of ceremony, who would speak, what music. This is the safest entry. It is concrete, almost everyone has an opinion, and it does not involve hypothetical medical scenarios.
• Stories from the parent's own family: how their own parents died, what they remember, what they wish had been different. This is the most generative opening, because it is technically a conversation about the past, and it almost always tells you what the parent now wants for themselves.
• Where the documents are. Not what they say, just where they live. A parent who refuses to discuss the contents of their will may be perfectly happy to tell you which drawer it is in.

Often harder.

• Money in detail. Many older Dutch parents have a strong sense that the financial details are private, including from adult children. Asking about specific amounts, accounts, or beneficiaries early in the conversation tends to backfire. The legal-financial conversation often needs a notaris (notary) as a third party rather than the adult child as the asker.
• Medical decisions involving loss of capacity. Wilsverklaring, niet-reanimerenpenning (do-not-resuscitate medallion), behandelverbod (treatment refusal). These are emotionally heavier than funeral questions because they involve the parent imagining themselves diminished. Verenso and NHG guidance on advance care planning recommends that the huisarts (general practitioner) be involved in this part of the conversation, not the adult child alone.
• Euthanasia. NVVE (the Dutch right-to-die association) is a useful neutral resource, but the topic itself is heavily personal. Some parents have thought about it for decades and are relieved to be asked. Others find the question itself distressing. The cue is the parent's own initiative: if they raise it, follow; if they do not, do not push.
• The relationship between siblings. Many parents will discuss their wishes with one adult child more easily than with the others, and any conversation about inheritance can read as a power play between siblings. Pharos guidance on culturally sensitive conversations explicitly notes the importance of involving the family in a way that does not create hierarchy among the children.

The general principle: start where the parent is most willing, return to the topic over many conversations rather than trying to settle it in one, and accept that some topics will be discussed with the huisarts or the notaris rather than with you.

What to do once the conversation has started

A first conversation that goes well opens a door. Keeping the door open is the next part.

Write down what you heard. Not in front of the parent, but soon afterwards. Names, preferences, locations of documents, the specific phrases the parent used. A short written record prevents the second conversation from having to recover the ground of the first.

Do not bring a checklist to the second conversation. A checklist signals that the parent is now a project. Bring one or two questions, in their own voice as much as possible, and be willing to leave the rest for later.

Loop in the huisarts when the medical questions come up. Verenso and NHG advance-care-planning guidance is consistent: the huisarts is the right professional to record a wilsverklaring, discuss treatment refusals, and document decisions in the medical file. The adult child's role is to make sure the conversation between parent and huisarts happens, not to be the substitute for it.

Loop in the notaris for the legal documents. The notaris is bound by professional confidentiality and is often a more comfortable interlocutor than an adult child for questions about testament, levenstestament, and inheritance. KNB (the professional association for Dutch notaries) materials suggest that older clients often prefer to discuss these matters with their own notaris first, and then share what they choose to share with their family.

Share what you are doing yourself. Reciprocity changes the asymmetry of the conversation. If you have a wensenboekje of your own, mention it. If you have just designated a gevolmachtigde under your own levenstestament, say so. The conversation becomes mutual rather than one-sided.

Accept partial answers. A parent who tells you the funeral they want but refuses to discuss the medical questions has still given you something. Build from what was said. The unspoken parts will sometimes open later, often after another trigger.

When the conversation never happens

Some parents will not have this conversation, with anyone, for as long as they are able to refuse it. This is their right. Wilsbekwaam (legally competent) adults are not obliged to discuss their wishes with their children, and pushing harder rarely changes this.

What you can still do:

• Make sure your parent's huisarts knows your name and contact details, with the parent's consent, so that you can be reached in a medical situation.
• Make sure you know where the most important documents physically live, even if you do not know what they say.
• Designate your own preparation, and let your own example sit visibly. Some parents who refuse the conversation in their sixties open it in their seventies, in response to seeing an adult child do it for themselves.
• Accept that some of your decisions, if it comes to it, will have to be made without complete information. Knowing this in advance, and forgiving yourself for it in advance, is part of the work.

In the app

Stage 5 (Guide for Your Family) is where the wishes you collect together get recorded for everyone else. (A writing companion is in development and will be available later in the beta — it will help build a conversation script for the talk you are about to have, asking what you already know, what worries you, what you hope to leave with, and producing a draft you can adapt.)

Join the beta ->

Closed beta -- access by invitation.

Sources

1. MantelzorgNL -- materials for adult-child mantelzorgers on communication, advance care planning, and conflict. https://mantelzorg.nl [unverified -- specific page URLs not directly fetched]
2. NHG (Nederlands Huisartsen Genootschap) -- guidance on advance care planning in primary care. https://www.nhg.org [unverified -- specific guideline URLs not directly fetched]
3. Verenso -- Dutch professional association for elderly-care physicians, guidance on advance care planning with older patients. https://www.verenso.nl [unverified -- specific guideline URLs not directly fetched]
4. Pharos -- Dutch knowledge centre on cultural sensitivity in health and care, including end-of-life conversations across cultural backgrounds. https://www.pharos.nl
5. KNMG -- Handreiking Tijdig praten over het levenseinde, developed with Patientenfederatie Nederland. https://www.knmg.nl
6. Rijksoverheid -- "Op tijd praten over wensen levenseinde". https://www.rijksoverheid.nl/onderwerpen/levenseinde-en-euthanasie/op-tijd-praten-over-wensen-levenseinde