Music, words, ritual: building a ceremony
A funeral ceremony in the Netherlands lasts, on average, about an hour. The objects in it, music, words, a coffin, the people who stand and speak, are surprisingly few. Yet the people who attended will, years later, remember the ceremony in the precise order it happened. They will remember the song that played when the coffin came in, the friend who could not finish a sentence, the silence between the words. A well-built ceremony does not heal grief, but it gives grief a shape it can return to.
This article walks through how Dutch funeral ceremonies are built today: the four parts that almost every ceremony shares, the music choices that recur, the difference between a family speaker, a funeral celebrant and a ritueelbegeleider (ritual celebrant), and the long shift from religious to secular framing in the Netherlands.
A ceremony in four parts
Most Dutch ceremonies, religious or secular, follow a similar shape. We describe it here in four parts.
1. Welkom (welcome). The opening: a short address that names where everyone is, who has gathered, and what the next hour will hold. Often the speaker names the feelings already in the room, sadness, exhaustion, gratitude, so the rest of the ceremony can rest on something honest. A piece of music typically plays as the coffin enters or as guests settle.
2. Verhaal (the story). The life of the person who died. Usually three to four speakers: a partner, a child or sibling, a friend, sometimes a colleague. A trained celebrant or family speaker may weave a longer biographical narrative through the others' contributions. This is usually the longest part of the ceremony.
3. Ritueel (ritual). A symbolic act. Lighting a candle. Placing flowers, stones, photographs or letters on or in the coffin. A shared moment of silence. A poem. In some ceremonies the family carries the coffin themselves; in others, friends form a guard of honour; in others again, children are invited forward to draw or write something. Religious ceremonies have their own formal rituals (a blessing, a Eucharist, a Quranic recitation, a Kaddish). Secular ceremonies create rituals from scratch, often with the help of a ritueelbegeleider.
4. Afsluiting (closing). The ending. Often a final song while the coffin is carried out, followed by a procession, a drive to the grave or crematorium, and, almost always in the Netherlands, koffie en cake (coffee and cake) afterwards in an adjoining room. The koffietafel is not a formality; it is where the ceremony lands.
This four-part shape is not legally required. It is simply what works: an opening that gathers, a middle that remembers, a moment that marks, and an ending that releases.
Music: the choice that lasts longest
Most Dutch funerals include three or four pieces of music, one as guests enter, one or two during the ceremony, and one as the coffin leaves. DELA and other providers report that the same songs recur across thousands of services each year, but the choices have shifted over the past two decades from religious hymns toward popular music.
In recent lists from Dutch funeral providers, the most frequently played pieces include Andrea Bocelli's Time to Say Goodbye (number one on Monuta's 2025 list), Ave Maria, and Nederlandstalige (Dutch-language) songs such as Claudia de Breij's Mag ik dan bij jou and Marco Borsato's Afscheid nemen bestaat niet, alongside classical pieces such as Bach's Air on the G String. The rankings change from year to year. Religious ceremonies still draw heavily on hymns and liturgical music.
The reason music is the part guests remember years later is simple: it is the only part of the ceremony that does not require words. It carries grief without describing it. For that reason, choosing the music in advance, especially the entry song and the closing song, is one of the most useful gifts a person can leave to the people arranging their funeral.
Speakers, celebrants, and ritueelbegeleiders
Dutch funerals are conducted by one of three kinds of figure, often in combination.
Family and friend speakers. People close to the person who died, speaking from their own perspective. They write their own text, or speak from notes, and usually take five to ten minutes each. Most ceremonies include several. This is where the specific weight of a life shows up, in the small story only one person knew.
A funeral celebrant or woorddienstbegeleider. A trained professional, often arranged through the funeral provider, who weaves the ceremony together: writes and delivers the biographical narrative, introduces speakers, signals transitions, and holds the timing. They meet the family beforehand, sometimes for several hours, to gather the material they will use. DELA and many independent celebrants offer this as a service; costs vary by provider.
A ritueelbegeleider (ritual celebrant). A specialist in designing and leading the ritual element, particularly for non-religious ceremonies. The Humanistisch Verbond (founded 1946) has a national network of trained funeral speakers; a ceremony led by one of them costs EUR 300. Independent ritueelbegeleiders work outside the Humanistisch Verbond as well, often combining elements from multiple traditions or building something from scratch with the family.
Religious ceremonies are led by the relevant religious officiant: a priest or pastor at a Catholic or Protestant service, an imam at an Islamic ceremony, a rabbi at a Jewish funeral, or a Hindu pandit. The role overlaps with that of a celebrant, but the ritual content is given by tradition rather than designed for the family.
Religious or secular: a country that shifted
The Netherlands is, by current measure, one of the most secular countries in Europe, and this is now reflected in how it buries its dead. Church funerals have become a minority: Catholic church funerals alone fell to about 13,700 in 2023, around 8% of all deaths (Kaski, Radboud University), and the number has been falling by roughly 6% a year. Cremation has become the most common choice at the same time: in 2025 about 68% of Dutch funerals were cremations (67.87%, Landelijke Vereniging van Crematoria), the same share as in 2024.
For families, this matters because there is no longer a default. A century ago, a Dutch funeral was almost certainly held in a church and led by a clergyman; the structure was given. Today, a family that does not have a religious tradition has to design the ceremony from a blank page, with the help of a celebrant or simply themselves. That freedom is what makes preparation valuable. A ceremony built around a person's actual life, and not borrowed from a template, is easier to design with the person, while they are alive, than after they have died.
For families with a religious tradition, the opposite is true: knowing in advance which church or mosque, which officiant, which liturgy, removes a search at a difficult moment.
What the family remembers
In our experience, what people tend to remember years later is not the order of service or the budget. It is three or four specific things.
The first piece of music. The song chosen to open the ceremony tends to be the one survivors associate with the death itself, sometimes for the rest of their lives.
One spoken moment. A sentence from the eulogy, an unexpected story, a friend who could not get through their text, a child who said one thing.
The ritual. Whatever was placed on the coffin, whoever carried it, the candle that was lit, the silence held.
The koffietafel. Not a sad thing: the moment the ceremony ended and people began to talk to each other again. For many, this is where the funeral lands.
A ceremony built with these four points in mind, consciously, with the person who is going to die or the family that will arrange it, tends to land better than a ceremony built feature-by-feature against a checklist.
Three questions worth answering in advance
For people writing down their preferences, three questions cover most of what matters to a celebrant or family.
What kind of room do I want this to feel like? A church, a crematorium, a beach, the family farm, the woods, a community hall. The location sets the tone before any speech is written.
What music do I want playing when the coffin comes in, and when it leaves? These two pieces alone shape the memory. A third or fourth song is useful but not essential.
Who do I want to speak, and who do I want to lead? A list of five names a family can call, and a single decision about whether you want a celebrant or a ritueelbegeleider, removes most of the early planning work.
Everything else, food, flowers, printed cards, dress code, can be decided in days. These three usually cannot.
In the app
In the Personal Portal, in My Farewell Wishes, you describe the kind of farewell you want — religious, secular, a personal celebration of life, a quiet stille uitvaart or no ceremony at all — what it should feel like, who should be there, the music for the entrance and the end, and the readings. You fill it in at your own pace, and what you record becomes part of your Zorgmap, a PDF you print or hand to the people who will arrange your funeral.
Closed beta, access by invitation.
Sources
- DELA, the afscheidsbijeenkomst (farewell ceremony) guidance, structure and music suggestions. https://www.dela.nl/uitvaart/rondom-de-uitvaart/afscheidsbijeenkomst
- Humanistisch Verbond, humanistic funerals and trained funeral speakers. https://www.humanistischverbond.nl/thema/humanistische-uitvaart/
- CBS and Landelijke Vereniging van Crematoria, cremation and burial trends in the Netherlands. https://www.cbs.nl/ and https://lvc-online.nl/cremeren-in-nl/aantallen/
- Kaski (Radboud University), Kerncijfers rooms-katholieke kerk 2023 (church funerals). https://www.ru.nl/sites/default/files/2024-12/rapport-nr-671-kerncijfers-rooms-katholieke-kerk-2023.pdf
- Monuta, uitvaartmuziek top 10 (2025). https://www.monuta.nl/uitvaart/mogelijkheden-bij-een-uitvaart/uitvaartmuziek/