Filling in your funeral wishes
In the Netherlands, the people who arrange your funeral have less than a week to decide what it looks like — and if you have not written anything down, they are guessing. If you have recorded your uitvaartwensen (funeral wishes) in advance, they are not guessing. They are following you. This guide walks through the questions a wensenboekje (wishes booklet) typically asks, so you can fill one in calmly, at your own pace, in a single afternoon or across many.
Why it matters, even though it is not a will
A wensenboekje is not a legal document. It does not have the binding force of a testament (will) or a codicil. But Dutch law still takes it seriously. Article 18 of the Wet op de lijkbezorging (Burial and Cremation Act) says that funeral arrangements should follow "the wish or the presumed wish of the deceased, unless that cannot reasonably be required." Article 19 goes further: anyone aged 16 or older can record binding funeral instructions, either through a notarial deed or as a handwritten, dated, and signed statement. A wensenboekje sits between informal conversation and these formal options. It captures detail that a will rarely covers, and it gives the people who arrange your funeral something concrete to follow.
DELA, the largest funeral cooperative in the Netherlands, offers a free digital wensenboekje to anyone, member or not. Other providers, including most BGNU-certified funeral directors, offer their own paper or online versions. The questions are largely the same.
Section 1: Burial or cremation
Start here, because almost everything else depends on it.
- Do you choose begraven (burial) or crematie (cremation)?
- If burial: do you have a preference for a specific cemetery or natuurbegraafplaats (natural burial ground)? Eigen graf (private grave), algemeen graf (shared grave), or urnengraf (urn grave)?
- If cremation: where would you like the ashes to go? Kept at home, scattered, placed in a columbarium, processed into an object such as memorial jewellery?
If you are unsure, the wensenboekje is the right place to write "I am still deciding, but my partner and I have discussed it." That alone is useful to your family.
Section 2: Care for your body before the funeral
The Dutch term is opbaring (laying out). Between death and the funeral, your body is cared for somewhere, and people may come to say goodbye.
- Where would you like to be opgebaard? At home, in a uitvaartcentrum (funeral centre), in a rouwkamer (mourning room), or somewhere else?
- Should the casket be open or closed during visits?
- Are there specific clothes you want to wear, an object to hold, jewellery to keep on or remove?
- Who do you want to be present, or specifically not present, during this time?
These details are intimate and easily missed. They are also the easiest for a family to get right when they are written down.
Section 3: The ceremony
This is the largest section in most wensenboekjes, and the one families most want guidance on.
- What kind of ceremony do you want: religious, humanist, secular, none at all? A small gathering, a public service, a celebration?
- Where should it take place: a church, a crematorium hall, a natural setting, a meaningful location from your life?
- Is there music you want played, by whom, and at which moment (entrance, during, exit)?
- Are there readings, poems, or texts you would like spoken, and by whom?
- Who, if anyone, should give a eulogy? Are there people you do not want to speak?
- Flowers, no flowers, or a donation to a specific charity instead?
- Photos, video, or live stream for people who cannot attend?
You do not need to answer every question. A line such as "I trust my partner to choose the music" is a valid answer. The point is to mark which choices you care about and which you happily leave to others.
Section 4: Practical logistics
- What kind of coffin or shroud do you want: traditional wood, cardboard, biodegradable, something else?
- How would you like to be transported: a hearse, a bicycle hearse, a horse-drawn carriage, a boat?
- Should there be a reception (condoleance) afterwards? Where, how formal, what food and drink?
- Are there printed materials you would like, such as a rouwkaart (mourning card) or order of service? Any specific text or design notes?
Section 5: Who you want to be told, and how
- Who must be informed personally and quickly? List names and contact details.
- Are there people you specifically do not want notified, or do not want at the funeral?
- Should an obituary be placed in a newspaper, on social media, or only shared privately?
Section 6: After the funeral
- If buried: do you want the grafrecht (right to use the grave) renewed, and by whom? For how long?
- If cremated: who should be involved in deciding the final destination of the ashes, if it is not already fixed?
- Are there specific things you would like done in your memory, on your birthday, or on the anniversary?
How to use the answers
Once your wensenboekje is filled in, two things matter. First, tell at least one person it exists and where to find it. A perfect wensenboekje saved on a laptop nobody can unlock is no help. Second, revisit it every few years, especially after life events: marriage, divorce, the birth of a grandchild, a move, a serious diagnosis. Wishes change. The document should change with you.
If your wishes are very specific or you want them to be legally binding, talk to a notaris (notary) about including them in a notarial deed under Article 19. For most people, a clearly written wensenboekje, shared with the right person, is enough.
Plan it
- ☐ This weekend: answer the twelve questions above, even roughly. Rough is finished enough to start.
- ☐ Same day: tell one person where the answers live.
- ☐ After any big change: revisit. A move, a diagnosis, a new grandchild — each one changes an answer.
When something changes in my life, I will update this rather than assume my family remembers what I once said.
In the app
The Personal Portal turns these questions into a structured Ceremony Builder (Stage 2) and a Family Guide (Stage 5). When you have answered enough, the Zorgmap can be exported — your family receives one document with the choices you made, the people you named, and the instructions for the first 72 hours.
Closed beta, access by invitation.
Sources
- DELA — "Wensen voor een uitvaart" (digital and paper wensenboekje, free for everyone). https://www.dela.nl/uitvaart/voor-de-uitvaart/wensen-voor-een-uitvaart
- Rijksoverheid / Wetten.overheid.nl — Wet op de lijkbezorging, articles 18 and 19 on respecting the wishes of the deceased and binding funeral instructions. https://wetten.overheid.nl/BWBR0005009/
- BGNU — Branchevereniging Gecertificeerde Nederlandse Uitvaartondernemingen, professional standards and Keurmerk Uitvaartzorg for funeral providers. https://www.bgnu.nl/