The First 72 Hours: Emotions and What to Do About Them
What is normal to feel after someone dies. What your body will do. When to ask for help. A practical map for the people who didn't see it coming — and the ones who did.
The first thing most people feel is nothing.
Shock and numbness — verdoving in Dutch — are the mind's protective response. Even when the death was expected, even when it was a long illness, even when you thought you were prepared. The brain switches off some emotions so that you can function. This is not a sign that you didn't love them. It is a sign that your mind is doing its job.
What your body will do
The physical symptoms of grief in the first days are less talked about than they should be:
- Trembling — sometimes visibly, sometimes just internally
- Nausea, a lump in the throat
- Chest pain or tightness
- Legs that feel weak or heavy
- Inability to sleep — or the opposite: sleeping far too much
- No appetite, or forgetting to eat entirely
All of this is a normal stress response. Your nervous system is in shock. Treat your body accordingly: eat something even if you are not hungry, drink water, lower the heating in whatever room you are in.
The full range of normal
There is no single correct emotional response to death. In the first days, any of these — and all of them together — are normal:
| Emotion | Why it makes sense |
|---|---|
| Crying, deep sadness | The most expected response — and still valid. |
| Relief | Especially after a long illness. Completely legitimate. |
| Guilt about the relief | Almost universal. Relief that suffering ended is love, not selfishness. |
| Anger | At the deceased, at doctors, at the world. Normal. |
| Confusion, forgetfulness | The brain under extreme stress functions differently. |
| Numbness, unreality | The feeling of watching a film. A protective mechanism. |
| Periods of calm | Alternating with waves of grief. Neither cancels the other. |
You don't have to feel the "right" things in the "right" order. Whatever you feel in the first 72 hours is not a measure of how much you loved them.
The autopilot problem
In the Netherlands, the first days after death are dense with practical tasks: calling the doctor, receiving the uitvaartondernemer, notifying people, making decisions about the ceremony. Many people move through all of this on autopilot — doing everything that needs doing while barely feeling grief.
This is normal. But grief doesn't disappear — it is postponed. Psychologists consistently observe that grief often "hits" two to six weeks after the death — when the paperwork is done and people around you have stopped calling. This is not a breakdown. It is the grief that was waiting.
Children in the first days
Children grieve differently depending on their age — not less intensely, but differently:
- Under 5 years — do not understand permanence. May ask when the person is "coming back." Use honest language: "Papa's body stopped working and he died. He is not coming back." Avoid "went to sleep" — this can create fear of sleeping.
- 5–9 years — beginning to understand irreversibility. May fear that others will die too. Answer questions directly.
- 9–12 years — understand death close to adult level, but may hide their grief to protect adults. Check in regularly.
- Teenagers — full adult intensity of grief combined with adolescent turbulence. Isolation, anger, and risky behaviour are all possible. Maintain presence without forcing conversation.
Take care of yourself
This is not optional advice. The next days will require a body that has eaten and slept.
- Eat — even small amounts. Even things you don't normally eat.
- Drink water — dehydration makes headaches and fatigue significantly worse.
- Sleep when you can — even a short rest helps.
- Accept help — if someone offers to bring food or stay with the children, say yes.
- Do not use alcohol to fall asleep — it worsens sleep quality and increases anxiety in the following days.
When to call for help immediately
Most grief in the first 72 hours is painful but not a crisis. But contact a professional if:
- You have thoughts of suicide or self-harm → 0800-0113 (24/7, free)
- You are unable to get up, eat, or speak
- You feel that you are losing contact with reality
For support that is not a crisis — anonymous, around the clock: De Luisterlijn: 088 0767 000