The Five Stages Are a Lie. Here's What Grief Actually Looks Like.
Kübler-Ross never meant her model to describe the bereaved — she was writing about dying patients. We talked to NL therapists and researchers about the models that actually hold up.
You have probably heard of the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. You may have used them to judge your own grief — or someone else's. Here is something most people don't know: Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed that model by interviewing terminally ill patients about dying. Not bereaved families about loss. She later said she regretted how rigidly the stages were applied. "You should be past denial by now" is not something she ever intended to be said.
That doesn't mean the model is useless. It names real emotions. But there is better science to work with — and some of it was built here in the Netherlands.
Kübler-Ross: what it gets right and what it doesn't
| Stage | Dutch term | What it feels like |
|---|---|---|
| Denial | Ontkenning | Shock, numbness, disbelief. "This can't be happening." |
| Anger | Woede | Rage at doctors, fate, or the person who died. |
| Bargaining | Onderhandelen | "If only I had done something differently..." Guilt and regret. |
| Depression | Depressie | Deep sadness, withdrawal, the full weight of the loss. |
| Acceptance | Acceptatie | Not "being okay" — acknowledging reality and finding a way forward. |
What this model gets right: it names emotions that are real and normalises anger, guilt, and denial as part of grief — not signs of weakness or dysfunction.
What it gets wrong: the stages are not sequential. You do not move through them in order and graduate. You may feel anger one day and denial the next. Not everyone experiences all five. The model was never designed as a checklist, and using it that way causes harm.
Worden's four tasks — a more useful frame
American psychologist William Worden proposed a different approach in the 1980s. Instead of stages you pass through, he described tasks — active work you do, at your own pace. This model is widely used in Dutch rouwbegeleiding (grief counselling).
- Task 1: Accept the reality of the loss. Acknowledging — both intellectually and emotionally — that the person is gone and will not return. You may "know" someone has died but still catch yourself expecting them to walk through the door.
- Task 2: Process the pain of grief. Allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions rather than suppressing them. Dutch culture's emphasis on doe maar gewoon ("just act normal") can make this task especially difficult.
- Task 3: Adjust to a world without the deceased. Three levels: external (new roles and responsibilities), internal ("Who am I without them?"), and spiritual (reconsidering your beliefs about meaning and fairness).
- Task 4: Find an enduring connection while moving forward. Not "letting go." Finding a new place for the deceased in your life — through memory, ritual, the values they left behind.
The tasks model gives people a sense of agency. You are not a passive passenger riding through stages. You are doing something — and that can feel empowering.
The Dutch model: oscillation
The most influential contemporary grief model was developed by Dutch researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schutat Utrecht University in 1999. It is the foundation of most Dutch rouwzorg (grief care) today.
The model is called the Dual Process Model, and its core insight is a single word: oscillation.
| Loss-oriented (verliesgeoriënteerd) | Restoration-oriented (herstelgeoriënteerd) |
|---|---|
| Grieving, crying, yearning | Attending to practical tasks |
| Dwelling on the deceased | Taking on new roles |
| Looking at photos, revisiting memories | Building new routines or relationships |
A healthy grief process involves both orientations — and the natural movement between them. You cry in the morning and handle paperwork in the afternoon. You laugh at dinner and feel guilty about it at bedtime. This oscillation is the process. It is not instability. It is not disrespect for the person you lost.
Two more models worth knowing
Continuing Bonds (Klass, Silverman & Nickman, 1996) challenged the older idea that grief should end with "letting go." Maintaining a connection with the deceased — through memory, ritual, internal conversation — is not unhealthy. It is often exactly how people carry their love forward.
Tonkin's model (1996) puts it differently: grief does not shrink over time. Your life grows around it. The grief stays the same size, but your world expands — new experiences, new relationships — until the grief, while still present, is no longer all-consuming.
What to do with all of this
- Do not judge yourself against any model. They are reassurance, not checklists.
- If you feel stuck — unable to function, or unable to feel anything at all — consider reaching out to a rouwbegeleider. Your huisarts can refer you.
- Give grief six months before deciding something is wrong. It is often slower than the world around you expects.
Sources: Kübler-Ross (1969), Worden (2009), Stroebe & Schut (1999), Klass et al. (1996), Tonkin (1996), Richtlijn Rouw (NL).